Your Horoscope

Aries. I guess you want to know what your day’s going to be like. How the hell am I supposed to know? Aries, lemme give it to you straight: astrology is complete bullshit. I don’t know anything about you and I don’t care. So please stop bothering me.

Taurus. Oh, you too? Look, celestial objects have absolutely no effect on you or what happens to you. They exert some gravitational pull on your body, but that’s about it. Wait, I got it. Here’s your horoscope: get a life. Read something else, you nitwit. Jesus.

Gemini. What’s the matter with you people? Hey, Gemini: Aries hates your guts. He said that you’re a pussy, Gemini. That’s right. Do you want to fight him? Go ahead. Go punch his lights out. Oh, by the way, I have your horoscope: you will get in trouble with the law today.

Cancer. All right, here it is: your horoscope is a work of fiction. Oh, why so horrified, Cancer? Why don’t you just go to China House Buffet and crack open a fortune cookie? It’s just as reliable! Here’s what your fortune cookie says, Cancer: “You disappoint everyone with your irrational belief in astrology.”

Leo. Does Leo have to be the life of the party again? Leo, I know you think you’re the bomb, but being born between July 23 and August 22 isn't some great accomplishment, all right? It means absolutely nothing. So why don’t you do something productive and leave the rest of us alone, you attention whore?

Virgo. Prepare, for the Day of Judgment is at hand. Just kidding! Look, the sun and the planets have nothing to do with you. You’re not nearly as special as you think you are. Are you crying, Virgo? There’s no crying in astrology!

Libra. Jesus, I am so sick of this crap. Libra, I don’t know if that boy will have intercourse with you today. I don’t care, the sun doesn’t care, and none of the planets care either.

Scorpio. Hey, Scorpio. I know a lonely, hot Libra. Tell her that her horoscope says, “You will make sweet love to a Scorpio today,” and wait for the fireworks. Oh, and by the way, you’re an idiot.

Sagittarius. You will read your horoscope today, just like you do every day, you moron. Except that today, you will feel insulted for some reason.

Capricorn. You will wake up today. And then you may or may not do all that stuff you usually do, and you might even do some stuff you don’t usually do. You may or may not eat or drink anything. Then you will go to bed. Maybe.

Aquarius. Hey, ever heard that song about the dawn of the Age of Aquarius? That was astrological bollocks with some drug-induced hippie bollocks thrown in. This isn't the Age of Aquarius. This is the Age of Gullible Scientifically Illiterate Fools. I know, it’s depressing. But with any luck, you’re peaking at this point and you can cry into that groovy beer you’re nursing.

Pisces. That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m out of here. All of you morons can go fuck yourselves.