Friday, March 15, 2013

Your Horoscope

Aries. I guess you want to know what your day’s going to be like. How the hell am I supposed to know? Aries, lemme give it to you straight: astrology is complete bullshit. I don’t know anything about you and I don’t care. So please stop bothering me.

Taurus. Oh, you too? Look, celestial objects have absolutely no effect on you or what happens to you. They exert some gravitational pull on your body, but that’s about it. Wait, I got it. Here’s your horoscope: get a life. Read something else, you nitwit. Jesus.

Gemini. What’s the matter with you people? Hey, Gemini: Aries hates your guts. He said that you’re a pussy, Gemini. That’s right. Do you want to fight him? Go ahead. Go punch his lights out. Oh, by the way, I have your horoscope: you will get in trouble with the law today.

Cancer. All right, here it is: your horoscope is a work of fiction. Oh, why so horrified, Cancer? Why don’t you just go to China House Buffet and crack open a fortune cookie? It’s just as reliable! Here’s what your fortune cookie says, Cancer: “You disappoint everyone with your irrational belief in astrology.”

Leo. Does Leo have to be the life of the party again? Leo, I know you think you’re the bomb, but being born between July 23 and August 22 isn't some great accomplishment, all right? It means absolutely nothing. So why don’t you do something productive and leave the rest of us alone, you attention whore?

Virgo. Prepare, for the Day of Judgment is at hand. Just kidding! Look, the sun and the planets have nothing to do with you. You’re not nearly as special as you think you are. Are you crying, Virgo? There’s no crying in astrology!

Libra. Jesus, I am so sick of this crap. Libra, I don’t know if that boy will have intercourse with you today. I don’t care, the sun doesn’t care, and none of the planets care either.

Scorpio. Hey, Scorpio. I know a lonely, hot Libra. Tell her that her horoscope says, “You will make sweet love to a Scorpio today,” and wait for the fireworks. Oh, and by the way, you’re an idiot.

Sagittarius. You will read your horoscope today, just like you do every day, you moron. Except that today, you will feel insulted for some reason.

Capricorn. You will wake up today. And then you may or may not do all that stuff you usually do, and you might even do some stuff you don’t usually do. You may or may not eat or drink anything. Then you will go to bed. Maybe.

Aquarius. Hey, ever heard that song about the dawn of the Age of Aquarius? That was astrological bollocks with some drug-induced hippie bollocks thrown in. This isn't the Age of Aquarius. This is the Age of Gullible Scientifically Illiterate Fools. I know, it’s depressing. But with any luck, you’re peaking at this point and you can cry into that groovy beer you’re nursing.

Pisces. That’s it. I’ve had it. I’m out of here. All of you morons can go fuck yourselves.

6 comments:

  1. I can guess a person's sign with anywhere from a 40-60% accuracy rate! Explain that. :-)

    "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart."

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  2. It's good to hear from you, LP. And I'm happy and lucky that you have a sense of humor. So can you guess my sign? Warning: I was born on a cusp. By the way, do me a favor and check your Twitter mentions. Be well!

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  3. Hi, Φ!! Good to see you posting! How is the little one? Getting big I bet! Mine is gigantic now, and mouthy. Ha! :)

    I definitely need to have a conversation with a person before having a shot in hell! :) But for the heck of it, I'll go with Taurus. Bet hedge: Aquarius.

    I checked my Twitter mentions and aside from being rather bare (sad face), I didn't see anything particularly noteworthy. What did I miss?

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  4. You're good, LP. One in six chance and you got it. Weird.

    This is what the Twitter Help Center says: "If someone sends you an @reply and you are not following the user, the reply will not appear on your Tweets timeline. Instead, the reply will appear in your Mentions tab." You're not following me. But I'm following you.

    By the way, how could your Twitter mentions be bare? You have 685 followers!

    I suppose we could do this old school and you could give me your e-mail address? If not, that's all right.

    The little one ain't so little any more. She's almost 15 months old, probably over 19 pounds, and incredibly cute and huggable and kissable, of course. She is in full toddler mode, wondering why she doesn't get everything she wants when she wants it like she did before. I am constantly underestimating her intelligence.

    Gotta go! Keep in touch.

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  5. PS Omg you have a TWITTER! Never thought I'd see the day. Life's funny!! :)

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  6. I just realized that you can't see my tweets because they are protected. Even the ones that mention you. I'm still figuring Twitter out---slowly. Thank you for giving me a way to contact you!

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It is wrong always, everywhere, and for anyone, to believe anything upon insufficient evidence. ---W.K. Clifford

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear. ---Thomas Jefferson