Against Some Uses of Twitter: Ten Ill-Advised Tweets

This was originally posted elsewhere March 29, 2009. I think it has aged well, though I don't know what that opinion is worth since I don't use Twitter. If you use Twitter, don't be offended: I was just trying to be funny.

I am opposed to Twitter for three main reasons:

1. Who gives a rat's ass what anyone else is doing every waking hour of the day? No one---except stalkers.
2. News anchors are talking about their tweets now, as if they are the story. The story is scrolling by on your teleprompter, anchor person. You are not the story. Please focus on what is.
3. The tweet isn't long enough to say anything worth serious thought. It's another symptom of the dumbing-down of America. Please make it stop.

Now, I am fully aware of the irony of criticizing Twitter and at the same time writing my own tweet-equivalents for Facebook. In my own defense, I am a very interesting person. That's a joke, of course, which is a euphemism for "Shameful baldfaced lie." Anyone who knows me well knows that I am just like other people in that I am not nearly as interesting as I think I am. And Twitter is also a symptom of this pervasive sense of self-importance.

Anyway, returning to my original point, in my own defense, I also write these notes, even when I don't really have the time to write them. Like right now. And these notes may be of genuine interest to some people, unlike any reports that I am in a meeting or using the bathroom or experiencing heartburn or going to bed or eating lunch or waiting for Lost to come on.

I have been thinking, however, that there is potential for material of genuine interest to pop up on Twitter. Here are some potentially interesting and entertaining tweets that I just thought up when I should have been doing lots and lots of work on a nice Sunday afternoon. So here they are.

Ten Ill-Advised Tweets 

What are you doing? 

1. I am so stoked that the tests came back negative! I can't wait to share needles with my favorite prostitute next weekend!
2. Relaxing with a nice warm cup of tea after burying the body in the backyard. I hope no one finds out!
3. I finished my porno! Hip hip hooray!
4. I'm driving south on I-29 with my Blackberry trying to avoid hitting traf
5. Cooking up another batch of meth. Happy days!
6. Finally poisoned my coworker's coffee. Who's laughing now, Bob!
7. Watching American Idol, wondering if Simon got my love letter.
8. Cleaning all of my guns. I sure hope no one gets shot.
9. Just back from the bank robbery, counting cash. Those stupid cops'll never find me!
10. Back at the clubhouse, waiting for trainer to shoot rear end up with roids.

Bonus ill-advsied tweet! 

Im so eksited! I cant wayt to bee presidint wen my turm as guvner of alaska iz ovur!